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Kinver has been identified in a recent study by the University Of Leipzig as one of the most dangerous places to live in the Northern Hemisphere.

The surprising results of a five year project led by Psycochiropodist Dr Karlos Spurter, found that Kinver was potentially more dangerous than many war zones or the most polluted cities.

Hazards identified in Kinver included;

  • Cattle riding, barbed wire wielding, dog killing, horse maiming, venomous adders released by an evil National Trust conspiracy
  • Massive, people swallowing, sink holes in ALL roads, with poisoned spikes and scorpions at the bottom
  • Dog faeces
  • A road scheme designed purposely to confuse already bewildered and confused elderly drivers as they manoeuvre their vast entitlement waggons, for another unwise heart attack inducing, over the limit, night out.
  • Massive loss of greenbelt on a par with the destruction of Amazonia, but more, with several square feet lost every single decade.
  • Tribes of murderous youths who live a post-apocalyptic lifestyle in the ruins of a village clock, frequently foraying out on on chip fuelled rampages to the deserts of the skate park to commit horrors the like of which we daren’t imagine.
  • Idiots on “bloody push bikes”

The damming report slams the Parish Council for lack of action and recommends the entire village be abandoned and left to the adder swarm.

Dr. Spurter said “I mean, vat ze fuk, ist it mit Kinver? Ve spend five years reading ze posts on Facenbook, yah? Five years, ziz place ist scary, what ze fuk is it mit ze dog poop!”.

Kinver NotInfo has it from a reliable source that Councillor Victoria Wilson has been asked to use her emergency powers to sedate ring leaders with powerful doses of a sedative called “beer”.

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