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Secret files have shown that the National Trust intends to use a quick and easy method of removing over 100 acres of trees from Kinver Edge.

Consultants Kilgore & Co. have proposed that five Apache Gunships can be launched from a secret hanger in Drakelow Tunnels, flown over the trees before napalm rounds are fired into them.

It’s believed that this is the quickest and most environmentally friendly way of clearing old trees that have served their purpose.

A spokesman for the Trust said, “We’ve got it on good authority that although there will be an almighty noise and flames rising from the horizon for a couple of days, the resulting ashes will be great for wildlife in years to come.”

Residents of Kinver have been advised to stay indoors during the Easter holidays, don’t put washing out, and close windows.

There have also been warnings that the temperature of the surrounding area might be a few degrees higher for a week until it all dies down a bit.

The spokesman continued, “There will also be other benefits, such as all the bags of dogshit which have been left by owners will be melted, clearing up that particular blight and making what’s left of the Edge much nicer for everyone, in a year or two.”

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