Kinver has had many names over the centuries, and a new one is about to be written into the history books when the entire village is renamed “Kinver Services” in a new deal with the developers of the Western Orbital Motorway.
In a first for Britain, new rules that will be brought in after Brexit will mean that an entire village can, for the first time, be privatised.
Mike Littisore, our transport correspondent, spoke to government spokesman Willie Stroker about the plans. Mr. Stroker said; “When the orbital road is developed, it’s important to ensure drivers have somewhere to rest and eat, and we believe this will be a fantastic opportunity for the businesses and residents of Kinver to profit from this incredible construction.”
In January 2019, it has been announced that the library will be hosting a number of companies that have expressed an interest in working with the village to boost its potential.
It’s believed AirBnB will be helping residents let out their spare rooms to weary travellers and most of the pubs in the village will be offered grants to convert space into bedrooms to cater for the new tourist boom that is likely to follow.
One major change to current planning policy will see the newly approved Burgesses plans scrapped and the whole site turned into a Premier Inn.
Mike caught up with Lenny Henry to gauge his thoughts, and he said; “I think this is OOOOOKAAAAAYYYYY!!!! I used to love coming to Kinver with my mom, and now I can stay in a Premier Inn for free, it means I can visit more often, KATANGA!!!”
However, something that’s likely to anger the local Green Belt Action Group is the development of the parking by the Edge.
Willie Stroker told us; “After Brexit, we’re going to be looking for a new sport that Britain can really excel in, so the area up by the Warden’s Cottage will be converted into the ‘Stan Collymore Dogging Centre’ where courses on dogging will be certified by the great man himself.”
“We’ll be installing a number of electric car charging points to enable drivers to flash their lights without fear of running out of power, a viewing gallery for the curious and a visitors centre highlighting the rich history of watching people steam up their windows on Kinver Edge. We really think it will be a crowd puller!”
Of course, with the huge diversity of people that will be now entering the village, there will have to be a massive building project to provide the necessary services.
Current plans include a mosque, synagogue, basillica, stave, alcohol-free pub, vegetarian restaurant, vegan cafe, pescatarian cafe, tea shoppes, tea shops, coffee shops, gluten-free deli, childcare provision, teenage youth club, pre-teen youth club, post-teen youth club, discount supermarket, mid-range supermarket, high-end supermarket, farmers’ market, rock venue, 60s, 70s & 80s music bar, 90s bar, 2000s bar, prog-rock bar, death metal bar, and more.”
Willie also told us the development wouldn’t end there.
“We’ll probably develop Drakelow tunnels into a paintball arena, convert the library into a digital hub selling mobile phone covers, and the Co-Op will become a Cotton Traders concession. WHSmiths will move in to the space occupied by the medical centre, then I think we’ll be done.”
“And that’s it?”
“Yep, no more buildings, I think we’ve covered everything.”
“Absolutely nothing else?”
“Not a thing, absolutely nothing. Everything covered in equal measure I think.”
“You’re sure, you don’t want to propose any other sort of specialist outlet?”
“Nope. Done. That’s it. Not a thing more.”
“What about the old Spar?”
“Oh yeah, that’ll be a gay bar. They’ll serve gammon.”