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Kinver Parish Council has announced that, in the event of a no-deal Brexit, emergency supplies will be stored in Drakelow tunnels, and a section will be converted into housing and offices to ensure the village can continue to operate.

All Parish Councillors and staff will be allocated living quarters, and communal areas will be created for eating and relaxation.

It is believed that an order has been made to Batham’s for 48 days’ worth of beer and all village stores have been put on alert to provide provisions to ensure a constant supply if the worst should happen.

It has also emerged that the council is currently printing booklets to distribute to all residents which will outline what people should do in the event of a hard Brexit.

Mike Littisore, our hyperbole correspondent spoke to a concerned resident who aired their worries.

“It’s terrifying what might happen in the event of a hard Brexit. I’m pretty sure the country will be shocked to the core, and we’ll have to take things into our own hands in order to survive. All I want to do is protect my family, so I’ve build a shelter in the garden and I’ve started stocking up on tins of soup. I’m also told broadband might be affected, it’s horrific!”

Parish Councillors have recently been sent on firearms courses and from March next year a new law will be passed that will give all of them to permission to shoot on sight should anyone attempt to enter the tunnels without permission.

Councillors have also been told that the police and army will be busy in cities and large towns, so they will be in charge of law and order in the village.

All powers will be devolved to the local Parish Council chair who will take on the power of judge and jury to enable swift justice to be taken with offenders.

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