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Residents were up in arms today when it was revealed that the new Burgesses development, recently approved by district councillors, was actually going to be based on the design of the famous Gherkin building in London.

Rumours were rife around the village when Ken Shuttleworth, the designer of 30 St Mary Axe, the 40-floor office block affectionately known as the “Gherkin” was spotted walking around the village with a laser distance meter and some tracing paper.

Our report, Mike Littisore, asked him what his plans were.

“Well, it seems that since we put the planning application in, the local authority have asked that we take a bolder view of how the building should be designed. Seeing as I already had the designs for 30 St Mary Axe lying around my office, and taking into account their lack of funds, I offered to provide a scaled-down version.”

He continued, “However, we will reduce it to 10 stories, instead of 40, and floors one through to three will be a restaurant, casino and brothel to cater for the rest of the village, we really want to put something back.”

Our investigations have found that all of these plans were indeed part of the proposal agreed upon at the planning meeting, but the last two pages highlighting the new design were stuck together.

We asked a local councillor, who refused to be named, why he’d voted for the development, he said; “Well, it’s nice to know they’re willing to provide vital services for the local community, and it was that what swung it really. Also, they promised a free happy ending with each massage.”



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