Sunak Cancels Kinver to Kidderminster High Speed Canal Links
In a stunning turn of events, the much-anticipated high-speed canal boat service from Kinver to Kidderminster has been canceled. Although an election promise since 2019, and after many improvements had been planned for the upgrade to the current canal system, Rishi...
Tories complain hundreds of ballot papers lost in Hyde Lane potholes
Local Conservatives demanded last week's vote be recounted after hundreds of ballot papers were found in potholes in Hyde Lane. Last week's election was a shock to many as the Liberal Democrats won by a huge margin in a typically "blue" area. Eileen Ulick, promotion...
Man catches 30lb fish in Hyde Lane pothole
Keen angler Jack Hitoff was today celebrating catching his biggest ever fish after falling foul of the potholes in HydeLane. Jack, and his girlfriend Julie, were driving home when they hit a pothole and had to stop to change a tyre. As Julie got to work changing the...
Hyde Lane to be reclassified as off-road track
People will be charged to drive on it, money raised will be invested in new roads in Codsall According to leaked documents received by Kinver Not Info, Hyde Lane will soon be reclassified as an off-road track, which people will be invited to drive on for £5 a go. An...
Kinver High to provide A-Levels in being utterly useless and failing upwards.
Kinver High has revealed a new A-Level aimed at children who see their future success being in subjects other than standard academia. Dixon Cider, a spokesperson for the school, explained; "While we've traditionally focussed on academic excellence, including learning...
Kinver Constitutional Club To Ban Talking
The committee of the Kinver Constitutional Club have today announced a new rule that will come into play on the 1st of December and will apply to all customers who drink inside the pub. The new rule will ban all talking when either standing or sitting in the pub...
National Trust: F*** It, We’ll Just Torch The Whole Bloody Lot
A meeting at the National Trust descended into a torrent of foul language when a manager admitted that whatever they do, they'll be wrong so they might as well just give up. A secret recording made during the meeting was leaked to our correspondent, Mike Littisore. In...
Gavin Williamson Starts New Role As Crash Test Dummy After Career Suitability Test
After being sacked by Boris Johnson during a cabinet reshuffle today, it has been confirmed that Gavin Williamson will be able to utilise his skills of being thick-skinned and seemingly impervious to damage by becoming a crash test dummy. Career spokesperson for...
Potter’s Cross to be renamed “Potter’s Polygon” as new roads planned
Planners and councillors have suggested that the area of Kinver known as Potter's Cross be renamed following an extensive programme of road building that will see two new roads, an overpass and service station installed. To provide capacity for new houses which are...
Narrowboat stuck on Kinver canal causes delays and havoc for 45 minutes
A narrowboat that got stuck in the Kinver canal just below the Vine pub lock caused havoc on Friday as the owner lost control due to a gust of wind. According to the owner, Barry McDickin, he was attempting to turn the boat when the wind got up and pushed the front...
Bankers, wealth managers and surgeons rejoice as affordable housing finally approved in Kinver
After campaigns by many concerned builders and with help from South Staffordshire District Council, the plight of many people who earn only £70,000 per year has been heard, and affordable housing will finally be built in Kinver. For years now, Kinver has been a place...
New Permit Scheme For Kinver Doggers
After an outcry from villagers in past weeks, the number of visitors to Kinver Edge from people outside of the area is finally going to be tackled with a new permit scheme. Kinver is a well-known spot for doggers, but residents and the local council are concerned that...
Dogging to return to Kinver Edge from June 15th
Fans of watching each other have sex in cars have breathed a sigh of relief as Kinver Parish Council has announced that one of Kinver's favourite pastimes will return to the Edge from June the 15th. The easing of lock-down restrictions over the past few weeks has...
Parish Council regrets using 10,000 toilet rolls to clean up floods
A representative for Kinver Parish Council has today admitted that using 10,000 toilet rolls to soak up floods in Kinver may have been a mistake in hindsight. Back in February, the council was faced with a dilemma of how to clean up flooded areas of Kinver as cheaply...
Panic Buying Causes Courgette Shortage In Hagley
Shoppers have been asked to consider others when shopping as shelves were stripped of courgettes in and around Hagley and Stourbridge due to panic buying brought on by fears of coronavirus. As the UK comes to terms with the potential of the virus to disrupt supply...
Picture of dog turd in flooded pothole during Potter’s Cross traffic jam causes Facebook to crash
Facebook was down for hours today when someone uploaded a picture of a pothole at Potter's Cross in Kinver that was flooded and had a dog turd in it. The post caused a "perfect storm" of commenting when every single person in the village agreed that it was "typical...
Brindley Heath Primary School evacuated when Corona bottle found in kitchen
Headmaster accused of overreaction There was panic in Kinver earlier today when Brindley Heath Primary School was evacuated when someone found an old bottle of Corona pop when they were cleaning out a cupboard in the kitchens. Jane Warndon, who didn't want to be...
Hasbro to release Monopoly: Kinver Edition – “As soon as there are enough streets”
This publication has recently heard that Hasbro Games are working on an edition of their iconic Monopoly game that will be based on the South Staffordshire village of Kinver, as soon as enough streets have been built. The village came to the attention of Hasbro's game...
Harsh punishments introduced for parents who take children out of school at term time
Kinver Schools are about to announce sweeping changes to rules governing punishment for parents when children are taken out of school for holidays and other reasons deemed as "not exceptional circumstances". Although prosecutions for lack of attendance are handled by...
New development off Hyde Lane to trial underwater house concept
Builders have today announced that the new housing development currently planned for a floodplain just off Hyde Lane will feature a new concept in underwater living. Rather than trying to solve the problem of flooding, the developers have come up with a clever concept...
Vine to become horror-themed restaurant. No changes needed.
The new owners of The Vine, Slug and Lettuce group, have today said that they will be reopening the vine as a "Saw 3" themed horror restaurant and bar, as this means it can be up and running in the quickest time possible. We Spoke to Mr. A. Nellsechs, marketing...
Kinver Edge tree felling reveals ancient giant cock in hillside
A geophysical study of Kinver Edge carried out after hundreds of trees had been cleared has shown that a huge ancient cock was once cut into the sandstone in a prominent position visible for miles around. Archaeologists have been looking into this huge cock to...
Gavin Williamson Lobbies National Trust – Now All Trees To Be Removed
The proposed removal of 100 acres of trees from Blakeshall Common in order to return the area to heathland has caused a lot of consternation amongst people with horses and dogs who hate snakes. After many angry tweets and Facebook posts, the group opposing the tree...
Williamson Banned From Con Club For Leaking WiFi Password
The Constitutional Club of Kinver has today announced that Gavin Williamson, ex-defence secretary and fireplace salesman, has been barred from the club for leaking the WiFi password to non members. A representative of the club said; "When people join the club, we...
Remote Amazon tribe starts fundraiser to save Kinver Edge trees
After word of the National Trust's plans to cut down trees on Kinver Edge was spread on the Internet, the remote TI Hi-Merimã tribe, who have had their fair share of wood felling to deal with, decided to chip in and help. Tribe leaders have been in touch with...
National Trust to napalm 100 Acres of Kinver Edge
Secret files have shown that the National Trust intends to use a quick and easy method of removing over 100 acres of trees from Kinver Edge. Consultants Kilgore & Co. have proposed that five Apache Gunships can be launched from a secret hanger in Drakelow Tunnels,...
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